


Happiness

by wynnebat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Marauders' Era, Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-21 22:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3706525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wynnebat/pseuds/wynnebat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm more unhappy than I ever thought I could be, read a too-familiar handwriting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the The Harry Snape Competition on the HPFC forums.

When Severus woke up, there was an owl perching on his windowsill, knocking its beak against the glass. He had never been one to receive many owls, not from his family or his fair-weather friends, and so owls had never brought good news. Only OWL and NEWT results (never good enough, not for his father who didn't care, not for his mother who thought that the last of her line should do better), taunts and pranks from the Marauders, and missives from the Dark Lord and other Death Eaters. But his parents were both dead, and the countertop from which his mother had written the occasional letter was now gathering dust.

Severus had been a Hogwarts graduate for a year now, and had not seen a single Marauder since James had tripped him up on his way onto the train for their very last trip home. For James it had been home, and for Severus it was an old house and the memory of his parents haunting its rooms. Even so, it was better than he would've ever dared to hope, to finally graduate. It also meant he hadn't seen Lily in all that time, and when he let his thoughts loose, all he could think of was her. Her, his mother, his life, his regrets.

Pushing away his idle thoughts, Severus focused on the only thing the letter could hold: words from the Dark Lord. His master was not one for waiting. He rose from the bed and opened the window, allowing the owl to glide inside and dig its claws into the wooden end of Severus' secondhand bed. The letter it dropped onto the floor, revenge for waking up so late, and Severus scowled as he picked it up and tore it open.

Inside was a simple sheet of paper with one line of text.

 _I'm more unhappy than I ever thought I could be,_ read a too-familiar handwriting.

The last time he'd seen Lily write was their seventh year NEWT Potions class, her back to him and her eyes never meeting his own when they searched her out. For the last two years of school, she never spoke a single word to him, not even breaking the silence when Professor McGonagall mistakenly assigned them as partners for a group project. Lily had simply ignored him for the class period and handed him the completed project the next time she saw him, a note on the top to add any corrections he saw fit. A note addressed to him in her lovely, looping handwriting, something he never thought he'd see again.

But Severus couldn't allow himself this, not when they'd chosen their sides. Lily was engaged to be married in a month, and Severus had a Death Eater meeting later that day. He couldn't let his master know of his weakness. He shoed off the owl with a wave of the parchment, and placed the message—it couldn't be called a letter, not at such a short length—into the trash.

Even as he did so, he knew he'd return after his meeting and dig it out again, too weak to resist the call of Lily's words. Love made some people strong, but it only made him weak.

.

Two days later, another owl came. Severus considered not opening the letter, but the idea brought an almost physical pain to his chest.

 _I promised myself that I wouldn't lie this year,_ the next letter said, _That I'd try to be honest. That I'd be the woman I am instead of the one I wish to be._

Severus' patience broke.

 _Are you still going to marry him?_ he sent back, hating himself for entertaining Lily once again, for entertaining the love he couldn't quash. He summoned his own owl from the yard, placed a letter in its beak, and watched it fly, calling himself a fool with every flap of the owl's wings.

 _Yes,_ came her answer the next day.

_Your honesty doesn't seem to extend very far._

_I love him. Isn't that why people marry one another?_

_They usually don't owl other men, if they're so in love._

_I love him. I'm just not happy._

He wanted to say, _I'm not happy either._ Nothing and no one had ever made him happy like Lily had. He didn't know if it was love, or obsession, or a deep weakness that wouldn't leave him. Severus wasn't in the habit of honesty, so for a week he said nothing. Lily didn't respond again, waiting for his words, and Severus thought that this was such a fragile state. He didn't know what she wanted. He didn't know what he wanted. It was too damn late; Lily's wedding was next week.

 _Do you love me?_ he wrote instead, and sent it off before he could burn it. When they'd gone to school together, when Lily had actually talked to him, he'd thought... He'd thought there was something there, something in their eyes, something left unsaid for too long.

No letter came, and Severus wondered if she aimed to spare his feelings. She'd never tried to, before, and he was filled with thoughts of _what if_.

Severus' own feelings turned into enough of a mess that even the Dark Lord caught on, cursing him for not thinking of the cause. He'd hissed about the measure of Severus' worth, wand pointed at his head, and Severus wondered if this was it. When he returned to his home, drained and shaking and almost dead, he fell asleep with Lily's letters resting just centimeters away.

The next morning, he sent her his mother's ring, no letter attached.

The day after, she appeared on his porch step, the ring on her finger, no letter needed.

"I can't make you happy," Severus told her, helplessly embracing her, letting his chin rest on her head, the red hair he'd dreamed of for months soft under his hands.

"I think you can," Lily replied.

It was only later that they talked of compromise and love and words you just can't say, but through it all, Severus hoped.

.

The wedding was the happiest day of Severus' life. There was no qualifier, no runner up, no single moment that could compare.

The following day, the Dark Lord called for him, and Severus sat on the edge of their marital bed and couldn't move. He was an Occlumens of some skill, but hiding the fact that he married a muggleborn wouldn't be easy, not with the mark leaving his mind as open as Swiss cheese.

Lily sat next to him and held his hand. "You made your choice," she told him, and Severus leaned over to kiss her.

"We'll do the Fidelius Charm immediately," he replied.

It wouldn't work perfectly, he knew that much. It would mean pain each and every time the Dark Lord remembered him. It would mean capture as soon as he stepped out of the protection of their house. He would be a prisoner, though at least a willing one. It would be worth it.

.

Harry Elon Snape came into the world under Poppy Pomfrey's careful care, in a house filled with Hogwarts staff, various well-wishers, and not a single Marauder in sight. And while the Dark Lord attacked the Longbottom family, killed the parents, tortured the grandmother to insanity, and died, marking the child as the boy who lived, the Snapes slept on. They slept the sleep of the living, the ones who would live to see not just another day, but many more.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Complete; no sequel planned.


End file.
